Parenting in the 21st century

We all have to agree that things have changed drastically when you compare parenting before, to being a parent in the technology era. The children are changing, the parents themselves are moving with the tides of time. One thing that will never change though, are the huge demands and dutues that come with being a RESPONSIBLE parent.

I put the word ‘responsible’ in block letters because I have since realized some people think that being a parent is just vibes and going with the flow. The roles of parents include advisory, guidance, management, discipline, friendship, authority amongst others. You cannot pick one, and throw away the rest. There are times when you need to be the really bad cop and they won’t like you very much then.It was International Sons Day a few days back and as a mother to two boys, it is a day that will always be special to me. As a parent in the 21st century, we have our work cut out for us. We often face the guilt of not being available all the time especially if you’re a parent that your work is demanding. A child is a combination of nature and nurture; both have to be in harmony for you to have a balanced child.

How can you balance parenting in the 21st century?
1. Make the time you spend with them memorable. Your job may be really demanding, but whatever time you spend with them should count. I don’t mean ‘bribing’ them with gifts to make up for the time. I mean spending quality time doing meaningful activities. Like playing football with the kids, going swimming with them, doing their assignments with them amongst others.

2. Tell them why you can’t be available all the time and that it is also part of giving them a good life. Tell them about what you do and explain the basics of it to them

3. Don’t refuse help from your social support especially family and friends. You cannot do it all by yourself if you have a demanding job. Your mental health is important.

4. Answer their questions as best as you can. I struggled with this for a while because my children can ask questions till you drop. I have since realized it is a way of knowing them better. I have learnt how to manage their questions better.

5. Involve them in age appropriate chores and learning how important it is to pick up after themselves.

6. Teach them lessons about the core values you want them to have. The best way for them to learn this, is by practicing those core values as parents.

7. Both parents MUST be involved in raising the children no matter how busy they are. If it is a single parent home, then you have the responsibility of trying to balance the work of two people which comes with even more demands.

8. Seek professional help about parenting if you feel overwhelmed. I ask for help when I am confused from my friend @empathyspace – Dr. Kafayah Ogunsola who is an amazing psychiatrist with years of experience. Nothing wrong with asking for help. It doesn’t make you a weak person, it means you’re someone who is smart enough to realize that you CANNOT do everything.

9. Monitor their use of devices (they will not like this) because it is one of the major ways they are influenced in a negative way now. Watch the friends they keep and make sure you discourage any relationship that is having a negative influence on them.

9. Know your children. If you have been practicing 1 – 8, it is very easy for you to know the weaknesses and strengths of each child. Harness their strengths while trying to minimize the effects of those weaknesses.

10. This last one is closely related to the preceding one. It is very common now to send kids abroad after high school especially if you have the means. Know your children well enough to know the ones that will not be able to handle being alone at that age. Do not say, “that is what we do in our family,” or “that is what is in vogue” and you send a child that is not emotionally mature to be alone in a foreign land especially when you don’t have anyone older and trustworthy to keep an eye on them there. Do not send a child that is not coping well under your watch to live alone without any guidance. You may need to let them finish a first degree here before leaving. There is a saying in Yoruba that goes thus, “tí wón bá n tàn é, má tan rare” – If they are deceiving you, don’t deceive yourself. Be truthful with yourself, and have these conversations as parents.

Parenting is something that is lifelong. I have been a mother for over 9 years, and I am still being ‘mummied’ by my mummy. Before you say, “it is God that raises children,”  – Remember that God does not reward those that don’t put in the work. In Islam, the Prophet Muhammed SAW said,  “tie your camel, then ask Allah to protect it.” It is NOT, “leave your camel roaming and ask for Allah’s protection.”

So as parents, tie your camel. Put in your very best and then ask God to do the rest for you by trusting that HE will. The environment may try to derail them, but I have this firm belief that when you have done your best, even when they lose their way…they usually get back on track. Don’t ever feel guilty for trying to give them a better life as long as you’re also playing YOUR part. Never forget to also care for yourself. Self-love is important to be able to care for others. Dear Parents, are you tying your camel? Or are you leaving it to vibes and ‘by God’s grace?’Play your part.