Are most relationships bad? Or do bad relationships just have good PR?

They are fiercely in love. They post their pictures on social media with a lot of ‘awwing’ and ‘oooing’ in the comments section. Along comes ‘killjoy’. “We will be here when it comes crashing like a pack of cards.” “It is only a matter of time before everything goes downhill.” “No be today, we don see love wey pass this one, he’s a Yoruba demon and he’ll break your heart into tiny pieces that you won’t even be able to mend.” Unfortunately, a bitter break up happens…and the killjoys think they have been proven right. “We said it, the heartbreak will go round.” Not knowing that a relationship that would go downhill would do so, whether it was displayed publicly or not. Although in this world we live in now where people have itchy fingers and are competing with themselves on how to be unkind behind their keypads, I’m more of team – display less. Especially if you’ve not gotten to the level where the words of people that contribute nothing meaningful to your life does not affect you.

Bad relationships have great PR. Have you noticed this? When people post about their good experiences, many are quick to refute it. They make cynical statements like, “It is only a matter of time and everything will soon go down in the drain.” Is this because there are no great relationships? Or because our definition of great relationships are being defined by unrealistic societal standards and grandiose expectations we’ve placed on ourselves because of what we see on social media at times? What does a healthy relationship mean to you? It means peace, kindness, love, generosity, respect, consideration of each other in our decision making, effective communication and finally, constantly making the effort to be better for ourselves. That is what a healthy relationship means to me.

A healthy relationship is one with filled with kindness and mutual respect

Shakirat Gold-Olufadi

I wrote a post a while ago about marrying your kind – and by your kind, I meant someone with similar core values and ideals, and I got a message from someone I didn’t know – who asked me if those of us that write about relationships actually have happy relationships. My response to him was this – “The advice is not for everyone actually. Just for people willing to put in the work. Like anything good in life, a healthy relationship takes commitment and dedication. It doesn’t just fall on one’s laps. You must both put in the work. And to answer your question – Yes, I have a good relationship. Doesn’t mean we don’t have misunderstandings, but we are kind to ourselves even then. And raising our kids in an environment filled with peace and love. Married for 10 years plus.”

Bad relationships have very good PR, and sometimes, there are people that actually have good relationships but start to place unrealistic expectations on their relationships because of what they’re seeing out there. A good relationship also doesn’t mean that you’ll not have disagreements. Disagreements are part of healthy relationships. It is how you handle it that matters. A good relationship is that where you understand that you both are not perfect, but you’re willing to show up to put in the work to make your relationship a better one. Perfection is an illusion….we’re all flawed in one way or the other.

I always say, love for the sake of a bigger cause. If they disappoint you, it would likely be easier to move on. Afterall, the best of humans, is still human. A regular personal prayer – Never to be entangled in a love (romantic or otherwise) that turns me into an unrecognizable version of myself. May we be kind partners, and may we be with kind partners who wouldn’t lose their kindness even as life comes with its trials.
Amen and amen.