Dealing with the death of a loved one?

Have you ever experienced loss? Are you currently going through life after the loss of a loved one? Does it feel like your heart has been ripped right out of your chest with you left hollow and empty? I say all these things…because I understand how it feels to go through the loss of a loved one(s).

It is inevitable. At one time or the other…we will all go through it. Some people…sooner rather than later. One of the downsides of having a long life is that you are there to witness the loss of some loved ones that may even be way younger than you. Know that death is as certain as night and day. The timing of which is most uncertain. Understand that death even at a young age is not the result of any prior sins committed or because you are unloved. It is just what it is.

I have lost a lot of loved ones; both suddenly and after a protracted illness. I remember the first loss I suffered. That was a sudden one. One of the emotions I remember feeling clearly was intense anger. Perhaps at my creator on why I wasn’t even given an inkling as to what was going to befall me. I felt so betrayed because the person I lost was a very kind and religious one. I kept asking the question “Why”? I had forgotten that the same person that died then used to explain to me at everychance he got on how life itself was very fickle and how the next minute wasn’t even certain for anyone.. He used to tell me how important it was to know that each day may be one’s last on earth. One of the
things I remember telling God was that I would have preferred it if he was ill for a long time. Even if it meant he’ll be on the hospital bed for a long time. At least he’ll still be with us. Big mistake 😊.

About a year later…I experienced another loss. This time after a 3 month protracted illness. 3 months of watching a loved one practically become shriveled right in front of us till he was almost unrecognizable. 3 months of emotional, physical, mental and financial exhaustion on us all. It was a difficult period and he still ended up dying. Leaving behind a lot of physically and emotionally spent people. After that…I know if I’m asked to choose between losing someone suddenly and after a protracted illness…I’ll choose the former over and over again. Although, I have to admit none is particularly easy.

How did I deal with the grief? I was lucky to be surrounded by a very supportive family. We found solace in each other. My friends rallied around me and were my constant support. I lost myself in my school work. I initially moved away from God….but I found my relationship back with Him and to be honest…it was way stronger after that. One thing I did after that? I live every single day on my own terms…like it’s my last. I let the people I care for know how much I care for them at every opportunity so that if I ever die today….there’ll be absolutely no doubt about that. I love more fiercely and forgive more easily especially when it comes to the people that mean a lot to me.

I find it easy to talk about death because of my father. Anyone that knew him well would have heard Mallam talk about it. He used to tell me ” so that we can remember and remain grounded.” He talked about death like he was talking about the weather. Even down to the way he wanted to die (which was the way he died by the way) which he said he had prayed to God about.

Dealing with grief can be (is) hard. Take it one day at a time. Please try not to drown yourself in vices that will later be your downfall…like drinking heavily. Look for comfort in your family and friends if you have great ones. If you don’t, find a hobby (a good one) you enjoy doing and drown yourself in it. Remember the person that died in happy times and moments. Know that there was probably nothing you could have done to prevent it..(for people that lost someone in situations that they’re blaming themselves for e.g losing a child or spouse in a car accident and you were the one behind the wheels). Forgive yourself if you’re in this kind of situation. So that you can move on….
If you believe in God…move closer to the supreme being. It gives some kind of comfort. If you need to see a therapist to help you through it…..please see one.


Lastly…take it easy on yourself. Give yourself time. No matter how hard it is or how huge a loss it was…time truly numbs all pain from the death of a loved one. It will become a dull ache and not that sharp pain if you allow time to do its work. And please….take your joy from the little things of life. Life is meant to be lived fully…afterall no one is leaving here alive.

In trying to console a loved one… except you have experienced the exact loss the person has just gone through (and even if you have).. avoid using the statement ‘I know how you feel’. Because you honestly don’t. Keep that statement far away.

May the souls of all the departed….rest in perfect peace. They live on in our hearts…never to be forgotten.

All pictures from Google images.