Are you in a mutualism or parasitic friendship?

Friendship – That word that is often used inappropriately by people and we end up placing the wrong people on unnecessary pedestals.  A friend, as defined in the dictionary is a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations. The operative word in that definition is mutual. Most people are in a parasitic relationship, yet they call it friendship. If all they do is take from you – your time, energy, emotions, commitment and they give you nothing in return or worse, pain in return – that is not friendship. That is a relationship akin to parasitism. My friend asked me recently, “how do you do it Shaki? how are you able to have a lot of friends, yet you get the best out of each other?”
When I’m friends with a person, I seek out the good side and learn from them. I look at where they have shortcomings and see if we can improve on it (afterall, nobody is perfect) and I always make sure we are learning from each other.

Experience they say, is the best teacher. It doesn’t have to be your own but you can learn from other people. In my case, I had a personal experience. I had a friend so toxic that I almost broke myself in two trying to love her. And the reason I knew it was not me was because after that, almost every friendship she shared ended on a bitter note. I didn’t allow the relationship to change me into a bitter person because I have so much love in me. What I learnt was to be more discerning and deliberate in my relationships. I don’t know how to do half measures- I’m either in or out. So, I choose my friends/relationships very carefully.

1. We must share similar core values of kindness, integrity and mutual respect for each other. We may be different in other ways but our core values must be similar. Once our core values don’t align, no matter how much you extend the branch of friendship to me….I would never latch on to it.

2. It must be a give and take relationship. Mutualism is the best kind. Sometimes, it may be commensalism but never parasitism.

Distance is not a barrier for true friendship. My closest friend lives in America and we’re still as close as ever.

You can decide to walk alone, but what a lonely life that would be!

Before you say, “my friend sabotaged me” or “my friend always plots against me”…ask yourself, are you truly sharing a friendship? Are you a dependable and true friend yourself? Don’t ask for what you’re not giving.

Lastly, don’t hesitate to cut off any ties with people that have become parasites all in the name of friendship. “Òrìsà bóo gbèmí, fimílè bo se bami.” (If the deity is not going to favor me, please leave me as you have met me).