Emotional intelligence…is it necessary?

#emotionalintelligence
#mentoring
#socialcapital

Ologbon morawon. Eni togo nio mope oun go. Sugbon te ba wifun eni o go, yoo dija. (The wise people know themselves, it is the daft person that doesn’t know he’s daft, but when you tell the daft person he’s daft, a fight will ensue)
This is the way I see people that argue blindly on public forums like SM even after several corrections and presentation with facts and figures. Some of them are even arguing with experts that are kind enough to present the facts to them. Nkan to tiniloju gba niyen.

Anyone can make a mistake, but you should be able to say “I apologize, I didn’t realize I was wrong”.
It happened to me here once. I came across a tweet talking about ‘elevator baby’ on Netflix. In my excitement, I thought it was Anchor baby. So I made a comment that everyone should watch it on Netflix as it was filled with lessons. Someone asked “Is it out yet?”. I said “Yes it is! It was so good”
Another said “Its not out yet, coming soon”.
I was still so excited about the movie and I said again “Are you sure? I watched it already, it was really nice”
But you know this is Nigerian Twitter, it is about scoring cheap points. They started to tag each other…”E be tinz”, “Come and see something”.
A kind lady responded directly to me and tagged one of the team members. He explained that it wasn’t out. That was when I looked up and realized my folly. What did I do?

I apologized profusely to the producer and the writer and deleted my tweet so I don’t confuse others. I responded to one of the writers that was already using me to score some points with an apology and how he could have explained better and I then retweeted their movie. Then I switched off notifications for the post as some others were still making a mockery of it. This could have gone South if it wasn’t handled with EI. People say Twitter is toxic but I can tell you for free that is the SM platform I’ve learnt the most. Just be discerning enough to know who to follow and don’t be a ‘chooki chooki’ aka ‘mafilomindasi’ especially in things that don’t concern you much.

picture from Google images

I recently made a post about how to use social media. My first point was about the need to number your threads IF they’re long. My thread for that tweet was just four tweets so I intentionally did not number it. That tweet was getting a lot of attention. And you know Twitter. It takes just one wrong comment for people that are hiding in the shadows and hating you to start the dragging. A junior colleague that we were following each other decided to come under that tweet that was already gaining a lot of attention to say “contradictory statement up there, Lolz. If you know…..”. He deleted the tweet but not before I responded to him that there was nothing contradictory about my tweet and I intentionally didn’t number it because 4 tweets shouldn’t be classified as long. I am known for my long threads. Infact, that was one of the reason why I didn’t want to come to twitter. I like a platform where I can write long posts. Just imagine if awon omo wobsy wobs decided to have a field day with his comment and start with some dragging. Something I absolutely detest. What did I do? I just unfollowed him and I expect him to have done the same or take it a step further by blocking me. I cannot follow someone that will derive joy in seeing me being dragged on the timeline. I am an “awolu mate” and I respect myself a lot, one of the reasons why I stay away from following my students. My page is public on all SM platforms. You don’t have to be my friend to read my posts. I don’t know people that follow me until we begin to have conversations and I see we have similar interests. I follow people that I learn avidly from. I don’t even want to know anyone before a student or resident will say they failed an exam because they had an exchange with one consultant like that online🤷‍♀️

P.S…Being a doctor alone is not similar interest o..

I’ll talk about a medical student who I don’t even know personally. I have treated him for his skin issues and I also answer his questions at will. More than three occasions. I followed him because I thought he wouldn’t take advantage of the relationship. The first time he sent me a link on “how to get more followers”…I was almost disappointed in myself for my poor judgment. That I thought he could read the type of person I am already. I let it slide. The second time he sent me a similar link, I just unfollowed him. I was going to block him but I realized that wouldn’t be good as I’ll deprive him of some lessons on my wall. After that, no more medical students. I am all for doctors and medical students and a lot of people can attest to how I have treated them and some of their patients via teledermatology consult here.

I met my 300 or 400l student where I was buying suya at work and she told me “excuse me, if I follow you, will you follow me back?” after declining my offer to pay for her suya (which is okay). I even jocularly told her that I’m sure she has money o and that perhaps she should pay for my suya too. Like I need followers to get my salary at the end of the month. My response? “my dear, what are you going to be teaching me? I’m interested in tech, entrepreneurship, business, public relations, and how I can get better too. Are you going to be teaching me any of these? I’m sure it cannot be medicine you want to teach me. What do you have to offer me?”. She was looking at me like this😒. I bade her goodbye and left. That was not an emotionally intelligent conversation. It would have been a different scenario if we had an established relationship previously.

When people say here ,”ha Dr. Gold, you’re a life coach/influencer”. Two words you’ll never find in my description of me. Edakun kini n jebe? Emi gan ti live life temi na? Me that I’m just trying to learn ways to be better everyday. I don’t want to be placed on any pedestal. If my posts impact you positively, then my work is done.

Emotional intelligence – Knowing what to say, how to say it, where to say it, who to say it to and when to say nothing.
Part of emotional intelligence is knowing when to keep quiet. “A man is deemed wise until he speaks”. Once you speak, you can either confirm or disprove this theory.

I look at some of my colleagues that form activists on SM. Are you walking the talk in real life? Is your offline persona congruent with your online one? If you asked about me as a resident, I was the one always in the forefront speaking to the consultants when we needed anything. And there was no “beef” like we say from any consultant; Male or female. I would wear the most colorful scarves matching it with my shoes. Infact, I got a nickname called funky ninja. Yet, I did my work diligently and did not disrespect anyone. EI is needed if you want to go far.

You will NEVER catch me arguing blindly on SM with nameless and faceless people. We can have a respectful exchange but when I see that it is becoming uncouth or derogatory, I just switch off. I have NOTHING to prove to anyone on SM. If they’re my friends in real life, we know where to discuss so SM arguments won’t even happen. Pray, tell why I need to be going back and forth in a needless exchange with someone that doesn’t occupy a place in my heart or life? Ko necesstri.

My private space is so important to me. I’m an extrovert that also likes her own solitude. I love my own company and I can never get bored with myself. Before I let you into my personal space, we must have something in common. I write a lot of humor filled posts but I’m a serious person offline. I don’t have jokes like Baba Suwe that I push around in a trolley but if we’re close, I can become Moladun Kenkelewu around you. You may never see that side of me if we’re not close. I’m more of an Iya Taoo offline😁.

My colleagues complain about a lack of mentors but I’ve come to realize that a lot of people think mentoring is about the mentor making jollof rice, dodo with coleslaw and grilled chicken, opening the mentee’s mouth and putting it there. Telling the mentee…oya swallow. Bringing the mortuary standard coke and also pouring it inside. Ko joo o. Everyone has to play their part. I love to teach (because I know I’m good at it and it gives me joy) and mentor because I have been lifted and placed on the shoulders of great mentors. But all my mentors will be quick to tell you that I raised my hands and even jumped up so they could pick me up. All of them. Because of that, I have both great mentors and sponsors (that speak for me even without me knowing).

I have tried doing that where I work now but I see that it is only a few that are ready to put in the work. People do their work with a lackadaisical attitude now because well…they’ve written PLAB and USMLE and they’re leaving. They’ve forgotten that you cannot reap where you did not sow. As long as you’re getting paid here in Nigeria…..do your work. That is the basic minimum. And these things have a ripple effect. I have gotten recommendations abroad based on the work I’ve done here in Nigeria. I brought my mentoring and teaching to a larger platform because I know that at least…I’ll get some people that will learn from it. May posterity judge me well.

Mentoring is an active thing. A value for value relationship. Play your part. People tell me at work (especially the ones that have probably seen me online)…”I want you to mentor me”. I usually laugh to myself at times. You come late everyday, you don’t do your work, you don’t teach the students, yet you want emi Shaki to mentor you. Can’t you see it cannot work? Can’t you sense the type of person I am already? I will teach you as long as you’re my student or resident and give you a helping hand when you need it, but to call someone my mentee…is something I take VERY seriously. When you meet some of my mentors and teachers like Prof. Ogunbiyi, Prof. George, Prof. Buhari, Prof. Okubadejo, Dr. Ayanlowo, Dr. Akinkugbe, Dr. Ojo, Dr. Bello, Dr. Odeniyi @ayarerey, Dr. Castro, Dr. Meissina…you’ll understand what I’m saying. Except for Prof. Buhari and Dr. Bello, none of my professional mentors practice the same religion that I practice. But we have bigger things connecting us together; humanity, dedication, kindness, consistency and commitment.

I analysed my data initially for my part 2 dissertation (before becoming a consultant) myself, but Prof. Okubadejo took it upon herself to reanalyze and almost wrote my book for me. And I wasn’t her primary resident in neurology. #socialcapital.

My first lesson in EI/mentoring/SC for my students (since COVID-19 has refused to let us resume) and I like SM because I can get to a wider audience here.

Be wise enough to know when to keep quiet. Blessed is the person that is emotionally intelligent, for they shall progress faster in life. Are you emotionally intelligent?